I touched on my drinking a little bit previously. I believe it is important to share this part of my personal journey with you because it is the single most important experience in my life. Without this gift, our life today would not be possible.
After I decided to stay and take care of Colleen, there were a number of years before things got better. I had a lot more research to do. I found a barstool would be the best place for this work to be done. Many days I was sitting in the bar wallowing in self pity contemplating why my life was in the dumps. Even during these times a recurring thought came to me, “Amazing things are going to happen in your life”. My focus was on money and materialistic stuff, so maybe I would land a large account that would take care of all our debts? Around this time, we had worked ourself into credit card debt of about $100,000, largely by my hand. Having these debts taken care of would have been amazing to me. Little did I know that God had something much bigger planned.
As Colleens condition started to progress, so did my drinking. No matter what, I had no control over her condition. In fact no one did. I had no tools on how to deal with this, except to drink more. And alcohol worked until one day it didn’t. I found myself time after time trying to recapture those “good times”. And I did have good times while drinking. However by this point those times were long gone. What started with having a couple of beers at night turned into a few drunk episodes. The drunk episodes became more frequent. At one point around the year 2000 I was tired of being overweight so I decided to get in shape. I worked out like I drank. I lost a lot of weight and got into really good shape. I learned about 15 years later that I had already had an alcoholic mind and this mindset was just transferred to exercise. My body may have been in good shape, but I was a mess inside. I was simply a scared little child inside a mans body.
A few years later I started traveling to Asia. While I was on the road, I would drink more. Days often ended at the hotel bar or drinking in my room. I would get out of my workout routine while I was on the road. The motivation just left me. These trips would last 2-4 weeks. When I got home, my drinking would slow and I would get back to the gym and reestablish good habits. This would last until my next trip. This pattern was pretty consistent for a number of years. A habit of drinking was being formed. I could put the drink down for a time if needed to do my job. Then at some point I had crossed over an imaginary line. I did not know when exactly, but this is when the obsession had set in. It was at this point I no longer had a choice. My ONLY option was to drink to process life. I made sure alcohol available to me at all times. I was a daily drinker at this point. First it was just after work, then it got to a point where I needed to start my day with a drink. We were living in Madison, WI at this time and I had about an hour drive into the office. I would drink on my way to work in the morning. This would get me to lunch. A couple of mixers at lunch would get me until quitting time. I always had a bottle in the car that would get me to a bar on my way home. Then when I got home, I was able to drink how I really wanted to drink until I would pass out. And on this was my life day after day. By this point I was simply filled with fear, guilt and shame. I had no idea how to get rid of it.
I have come to learn that once you have crossed over that invisible line and alcoholism sets in, it is progressive. The untreated alcoholic mind only gets worse, never better. This was certainly the case for me. By this point I was a black out drinker. I do not find that drunk-a-logs are particularly useful, but I do want to share the two stories that led to my greatest gift.
A few months before I put the drink down I went to a comedy show in Milwaukee, WI with friends in February of 2014. It was cold that night – somewhere in the single digits. We got a hotel so no one had to drive home. This was perfect so I could really let loose. By the time I arrived at the park and ride to meet my friends in the afternoon, I was already drunk. I drank how I wanted to drink and blacked out at one point through the night. I do not remember most of it. I woke up with my head busted up and a chipped tooth. I was told that at one point I wanted to just sleep on the sidewalk. If I would have been with different friends that night who would have allowed me to lie down, there is a good chance I would have froze to death. The scrapes came from my head hitting the pavement from falling and my chipped tooth came from my face meeting the metal door handle of the hotel. You may think this was my bottom, but it was not. The following week we had a sales meeting. The next few days were spent trying to weave a story on how this happened WITHOUT alcohol being a factor.
Life continued for the next few months I tried to moderate my drinking a bit. On April 23 I was invited to watch the Chicago Blackhawks play the St. Louis Blues in the playoffs in Chicago with a co-worker. I had no plans to drink excessively that night. In fact early in the night I text a friend of mine and told him I was going to “behave” that night. Needless to say after a few beers I was on my way again. At one point in the early morning hours I left my friends without telling them and checked into a hotel. I was reported “Lost in Chicago” to my boss and other co-workers. I was tracked down before they left town. Needless to say I missed work that day. On the way home I realized that I was not going to be able to lie myself out of this one. I had to make the phone call to my boss and at least pretend to get help so I could save my job.
This is where my story starts getting good. It was that night I just broke down crying because I realized I had a problem. I had no more answers. It was in this moment I had received the gift of desperation. This is “My Greatest Gift”. When I lifted my head up our dog PoJai was looking at me, almost to look through me. I had a feeling of peace come over me and received a message that everything was going to be ok. On April 25, 2014 I entered recovery for my alcoholism. Through taking certain actions suggested to me, I have not felt it necessary to take a drink since.
Since my life started in recovery, it has been very dynamic. I have experienced some of the highest highs and have suffered some very tough losses as well. I have learned and continue to learn a lot about myself and how to live life without alcohol.
Sitting on that bar stool, I was right. Amazing things were going to happen in my life, just not in the way I had conceived. Today I am the husband that I promised Colleen I was going to be over 20 years ago when we wed. I am a friend that can be relied upon. Maybe the most important thing is I can be honest and true to myself today. Just as active alcoholism is progressive, so is active recovery. Today I am living a life I had never dreamed possible. I believe my life started at 40 years old. Everything up until then was just research.
