Communicating between Colleen and I has changed in recent years. I was reminded of this as I was hanging our laundry when I overheard neighbors arguing. I am not sure what they were arguing about, but it sounded pretty heated. There was a verbal volley of profanity that would have made a journeyman ironworker blush. When I heard this argument, it brought back memories of arguments that Colleen and I had in the past. They were so important that I cannot remember one of them today.
Developing Our System
Colleen lost the ability to speak in 2013. One of the most popular questions that people ask us is, “How do you communicate?” We have developed a system of written and non-verbal communication over the years. When we are alone together, I will quite often talk to her about the hot topic of the moment (she may refer to it as rambling). I tend to be the kind of person who will tell you how to build a watch versus just giving you the time. Colleen must disseminate what information is necessary to listen to (Maybe 9.6% is of any value).
Night Communication Difficulties
When I have a question for Colleen, I will try to ask in a yes or no format so she can give me a thumbs up or thumbs down. If she wants to communicate something in more detail, she will send me a text message or use a text-to-speech program on her phone. This system works well during the day. When she gets uncomfortable at night, it is a bit more challenging.
When she has limited consciousness, her motor skills are impaired, and she cannot use her phone. At this point, I must run down a mental checklist of what the issue might be. Most of the time, I can determine what the problem is and help her get comfortable. Sometimes, however, I cannot understand what she is trying to communicate. This miscommunication could be the most frustrating challenge we face. She is looking to get comfortable, and I want to help. When we have this communication breakdown (cue Led Zeppelin), we stumble through the moment. Sometimes I eventually guess what the problem is. If I cannot understand, she lives with the issue until she falls back asleep. When she can text, I will ask what she was trying to tell me the night before. If the problem is outside of our routine checklist, I will add it to prepare next time.
Cherish Your Conversations
Do we miss being able to speak with each other? Yes, of course, we do. After I entered recovery, Colleen expressed her wish to have a conversation with me. I remember this vividly because it cut me to the bone. I had realized how much time we had wasted on needless arguments or giving each other the silent treatment as a result of a dispute. Today it would be an absolute joy to discuss the places we have experienced on this journey. We miss being able to share our fears, hopes, and dreams. It would be fulfilling to discuss how our relationship has improved as we have worked through our hardships. Having a verbal conversation is not an option for us today. Little did we know the day was to come when we were going to have our last conversation.
