“Be the change you wish to see in the world” – Mahatma Gandhi
I see it posted so often. But what are you doing about it? Smiling more – being more courteous – holding your tongue? It began in 2007 – queue music. Then it became noticeable to others. My speech was next and I started slurring. The neurologist I saw for restless leg medication saw my medical history and decided since my brother had Ataxia, so did I. But nothing showed up on any tests.
In 2009 I joined an organic farm – little did I know how important it would become. Food is medicine and so is being outside. I hid this and went about my life. But after 3 years things were so noticeable that I had to reduce my work hours to 75%. Another year went by and I had to use a cane to walk. My speech was worse yet but still understandable if you worked to hear me. I picked up a book called “Minding My Mitochondria” by Dr. Terry Wahls. It was all about eating fresh organic vegetables and being healthy. What a concept! I got better, but the diet was rigid and hard so I quit. After 6 months I felt so lousy I began the diet again but at a reduced and not so insane level. I didn’t get better but I didn’t get worse. Still nothing permanent on my tests. Then whamo, my hearing went south. I had perfect hearing but only when no other sound was competing, meaning I could no longer discern multiple sounds. This was the summer of 2011.
In November of 2012 my husband and I decided I could no longer live 45 minutes away from work. I loved our house, but I was getting stiff and rigid making stairs difficult. We moved into our new home about ½ mile away from my office in April 2013. Things were relatively fine until August. A few months before I was tired a lot and needed to take many naps. In late July, I noticed my vision was really blurry and driving was no longer safe. So I stopped driving and we sold my car. Then I was too tired to do much of anything and I thought I was going to die. I took a month off of work to sort out my life. Things started turning around. A friend from long ago contacted me and offered to take me to the shrine of Our Lady of Good Help in Green Bay. I am a lifelong Catholic but had fallen away in 2011 when things became hectic. By September first, I hadn’t died and was super bored at home. I was antsy to get back to work and use my brain which was the one thing that wasn’t failing. So me and my Cadillac of a walker went to work.
The next 6 months are a roller coaster of faith, hope, and joy. Here’s where my quote from the top ties in to the story. I love my job, where I work, and the people I work with. Not only did they come and visit me during my month off, a group of them got together and are giving me rides to/from work! On September 14 we made our pilgrimage to Green Bay and I purchased a bunch of prayer books. I said a 54 day Novena to Mary and started saying a bunch of other daily prayers. On September 18 a calming feeling rushes over me and flushes my cheeks. It is a sign that God has heard me. Wow. I am so happy….so calm. So I thought I needed to become super religious. I bought a few more prayer books and began noting things that happened to me.
During this life changing process people kept telling my husband and I to do more tests and go to Mayo Clinic. I’m thinking what…like I haven’t been poked enough and why so they can find nothing is wrong with my brain? Seriously…I don’t need a bunch of tests to tell me that. I soon stoppped being super religious. It’s not and never has been me. I maintain my happiness and smile at people. I send cards to people just because. On February 13th, I saw a bright yet dark (brighter than I ever could have imagined) pumpkin orange cloud in my sleep. I knew it was a sign, but what? An angel, that’s what. So I read as much as I could. I wanted to know what was happening to me. I learned lots and the books I read said angels are a gift and you can call upon them for anything…even a parking space. Really? Why have I never read about this? Are angel sightings that rare? I’m intrigued. Still happy, but confused. I must know more! On February 19th, I am again visited by angels. The number 28 is presented to me twice. I am listening to different angel books by Doreen Virtue, PhD. The information is foreign to me and seems a little out there but something is going on.
On March 4th, Patrick and I go to Mayo Clinic. I don’t want to but it is all he wanted for Christmas. I go knowing full well they will find nothing wrong. As I waited I asked for angels to show themselves to Patrick and comfort him. I hear a strong male voice say ‘How do you know I haven’t already sent one.’ I immediately shut up. After a 3 hour visit the doctors tell me they think what I am experiencing may be mitochondrial. I’m like, hmm really? Food is medicine! They want me to do more tests which I am against. I’m like um no thank you. I’ll figure it out with the help of the angels. When we get back, a friend who believes in angels says she is in town so we set a time to meet and I tell her all about my angel experiences. She drops off a bunch of books and tapes for me read and listen to. Best of all, in the bag are oracle cards which I use. The cards chosen for me…diet is important, prayer works, and expect a miracle. Hmm When? I’m ready…at least I think I am.
Tomorrow March 14, 2014 will be 6 months from the date of my pilgramage. Is this the date? March 14th came and went and nothing. I had read that you can clearly and audibly ask the angels to help and they will as long as whatever you’re experiencing is not part of the plan. So I did…and nothing. I thought what, this was a ha ha just kidding moment. I know this isn’t true and yet I did think it was a cruel joke.. Seriously, you send me messages on and off for 6 months and nothing? And today March 15th I just laid in bed not wanting to get up. When I did get up I went outside to stretch since my muscles were tight. I began sweeping the porch when I fell and konked my head. I just bawled. I know the angels are with me, but do I need to keep falling? I started re-reading a book I purchased right after my awesome orange cloud visit…”Signs From Above” by Doreen Virtue. It made me feel better to listen to it, but she says angel clouds and feathers are common signs your angels will give to let you know they are around you and you just have to ask. So I did. Nothing. What? All of these happy stories and I have none. Sure, a month ago I was visited in my dreams. I am not doubting a presence, but I am wondering if I am destined to live as I am. Nearly dead but not really. A good friend would say “I’m in the category of too sick to live but to healthy to die.”
It is March 21st and I’ve started paying attention to numbers. In her book “Angel Numbers 101” Doreen Virtue states that numbers are one of the most common ways angels communicate with us. Twice today when I looked up at the clock it changed. So here I am on April 9th wondering am I destined to live life as I am – not dying but not living? Some would say that I am living. Yeah, ok, I am making the best of a rotten situation. I want more! Now that I am paying attention to numbers I am seeing things often and being reasurred with personal messages. While this is nice and all, I want a miracle! Now! A popular quote keeps coming to mind. I am back on the Minding My Mitochondrea diet….at a pretty insane level. Go big or go home!
“If you don’t like something change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.” – Maya Angeleau
When you are sick everyone is an expert. You need this, you need that. Safety is our number one concern. Really? What about my well being? The fact that my brain is the only thing that still works, that means nothing? Seriously? I am supposed to sit back and wait for everyone close and not so close to me decide what is best? I am often told I do not have a choice in the matter. But I do. People can make decisions for me but how I react to them is up to me.
May 8, 2014 Today is my first farming day of the season!! I hardly slept. I am trying so very hard to change my attitude. Every day is a struggle. But the choice is to hate my life or love it. Mostly I love it and the people in it. At the end of the season, I had to quit. It was just too hard. I also lost the ability to speak around this time. But, I kept on. The me became a we!
In the fall of 2014, life became better. Patrick became sober in April 2014. Over 2015, walking became more difficult. In the fall of 2015 I got a wheelchair. In 2016 was just there until my husband and I began racing. He runs and pushes me. “If you want to be an inspiration, do something inspiring.”
In 2017, as the Fresh Prince of Bel Aire would say “My life got flipped turned upside down.” The first half of the year was as it should be, but I kept seeing the numbers 17 and 55 so I knew changes were going to happen. In August. I got a power wheelchair. In October, I started to struggle to eat solid food. I retired from work on November 30th, and in December I gave up eating solid food. The kicker….I was only 92 lbs.
It’s now 2020. I am eating solid food again and I am over 100 lbs. My physical challenges continue to progress. I can stand upright with assistance, but I can no longer walk. I need assistance to move from place to place. My core strength is getting weaker and I need help with more activities of daily living. Despite these challenges, life could not be better!
