We talk a lot of acceptance. We call our rig “The Den Of Acceptance”. Our mantra is “Living With Joy Through Acceptance”. So what does acceptance mean to us anyway? Acceptance is the cornerstone principle by which both Colleen and I identify with each other’s path. We decided to see what Webster had to say to help us communicate this. There are several definitions that apply, but probably the one that is most applicable is this one; “To endure without protest or reaction”.
Webster also told us that acceptance is a transitive verb. “First, it is an action verb, expressing a doable activity like kick, want, paint, write, eat, clean, etc. Second, it must have a direct object, something or someone who receives the action of the verb.” Being an action verb, it means we have to DO something. Acceptance does not just happen. There is work to be done on a daily basis.
When we started our life together, to be living this life today was not exactly what we had in mind. We figured we would have great jobs, 2.5 kids and the white picket fence. We envisioned living a “Leave it to Beaver” kind of life. This is clearly not what happened.
Reflecting on our path to acceptance, we are taken back to a time where this concept was not really on our radar. We try to put ourselves in a scenario where someone would have talked to us 10 or 12 years ago and suggested that acceptance is the answer for us to begin to live a joyous life. We probably would have looked at this person like they had 3 heads. Our thought may have been “Seriously”? “You do know her condition is progressive and has no known cure”? We are supposed to accept this thing? This is B.S.! It is not fair!
You know what? We would have been right. This situation is not fair, but neither is life. We have a good friend that says a Fair is a place where they show horses and sell livestock.
We both passed through a stage of self pity on our way to acceptance. We have not really studied this, but this is probably a natural process. At some point we realized self pity was getting us nowhere. However acceptance was not the next stop, it was actually the opposite. We were going to fight! WE WILL BEAT THIS THING! Colleen was going to doctors, researching different diets and trying different things to get cured. As she mentioned in a previous post, she had some success along the way. With still a glimmer of hope that she was simply mis-diagnosed, we sought a referral to Mayo Clinic. We saw 2 neurologists during our visit. The first did the exam. He was quite pleasant and had a good bedside manner. When he was through, the second one came in. The second Dr. had a much more serious demeanor, but not unpleasant. He exuded confidence and he gave you the sense that he definitely was the “The Man”. He reviewed the notes from the previous exam along with the various MRI’s that Colleen had done previously. This Dr. did not discuss treatment or fixing anything, but he spent his time suggesting we enjoy life as it is. He was really talking about acceptance. I remember sharing with him that he did not have to worry about Colleen because she was already doing this.
Looking back on it today, Colleen was well on her way to accepting life as it is. I was not there yet. I did have concern for Colleens well being, but there certainly was a selfish component on how this was going to affect my life. As the years passed, bit by bit there was a surrender process happening. The process was really accelerated after we both had our personal experiences we shared in previous posts.
We have learned that to accept something does not mean we have to like it. Does Colleen like the fact that her physical body continues to lose capability it once had? No! She wakes up everyday wishing this wasn’t so. But she accepts it. Do I like when she cannot convey her problems to me on certain days and I cannot help her? No, but I accept it. Do I like the fact that I have had to give up many of my hobbies to take care of Colleen? No, but I accept it. Would we choose the life we have today if we had the option? Honestly speaking, no we would not. We do however accept it.
For Colleen, acceptance is compromise by allowing someone to help you when you don’t need it. Acceptance is looking at the able bodied person with compassion. They don’t know what you feel so give them a break.
Since I overthink most things, I could drone on what acceptance means to me. However it boils down to this simple concept; “Acceptance is simply doing the next right indicated thing, despite what my mind may tell me.” I simply have to do what I believe God asks of me in the present moment.
Recently I was listening to Ryan Holiday’s book “The Obstacle Is The Way”. In there he makes a statement that encapsulates our transition from acceptance toward joy.
“Defiance and acceptance come together well in the following principle: There is always a countermove, always an escape or a way through, so there is no reason to get worked up. No one said it would be easy and, of course, the stakes are high, but the path is there for those ready to take it.”
Defiance for us comes into play on what action we will take in response to our reality. We accept that Colleen has Ataxia, but we refuse to let her Ataxia dictate how much joy we experience in life. This means when self pity tries to suck us in, we must bring ourselves to the present moment. In this moment, we are OK. Self-pity can be a very attractive emotion. It can feel good to feel sorry for ourselves. After all it requires no action and allows us to point the finger at something outside of us. When we allow self-pity to control us, our only play is blame. If unchecked, this emotion will allow us to spiral into a paralyzing mindset that will consume us without realizing what is happening. So we are defiant in allowing self-pity gain a foothold on us. As Holiday stated “There is always a countermove”. After the initial move toward self-pity hits us and we come back to center, we focus on what is the next positive action for us to take. Most times it is not anything big, but rather a small action that changes the trajectory of our attitude.
We could write much more on this subject because it is something that we practice everyday in dozens of ways. However we believe in doing so will dilute the simple choice we have to accept our situation or not? If we don’t accept it, there we will remain on that hamster wheel of self pity. If we do accept it, THEN we are ready to get to work.
