Gratitude Is The Remedy For Self-Pity

It has been almost five months since we have moved into our apartment. We are very grateful to have found a wheelchair-accessible unit because they are not easy to come by. Our migration back to “sticks and bricks” this summer has been an adjustment for us. For the last few years, we have been on the move this time of year. Most of our time was enjoying an adventure or planning our next one. 

Escaping The Heat

Since it is still warm here in Tucson, we cannot head out the door during the day to enjoy nature because of Colleen’s sensitivity to hot weather. We have had to find other ways of staying active. Like many Tucsonans, we escape the heat by heading to Mt. Lemmon for a day trip. A stop to purchase fudge from the Mt. Lemmon General Store is always high on Colleen’s list. We have also journeyed to the old mining town of Bisbee to enjoy cooler weather due to its elevation at over 5500 feet. This town has a feel reminiscent of State Street in Madison, WI. These trips are pretty entertaining, but the long travel time wears Colleen down, so we don’t take them very often.

There are shorter outings we plan every week. Later at night, we may walk around the pond at Reid Park to enjoy the ducks in their nightly ritual. We may drive to watch the sunset, followed by a trip to Five Guys burger joint for their outstanding french fries. These activities allow us the opportunity to get Colleen out of the apartment for a bit.

Self-Pity Is Like A Snake

These excursions have allowed us to stay active, but lately, they have become stale in my mind. I’ve found myself focusing on our limitations rather than maintaining gratitude for the special moments we are sharing. 

I will often observe couples enjoying outdoor activities as we did pre-Ataxia. My mind will reminisce about what life used to be like over 15 years ago when we could head out the door and choose what we wanted to do based on our whim. With my mind wandering down this road, I started wishing life was different. I was pining for our previous normal life. Like a snake slithering upon its prey, self-pity was inching into my psyche.

When Colleen accepted her situation, she learned a lot about enjoying life in the present. She traveled a difficult road on her way to accepting her life-altering health condition. Colleen often felt heartbroken and helpless, but self-pity was not an issue for her. Today she can live each day taking what life throws at her without relapsing to her old thinking. After all these years, I am still in awe of this. 

Stinking Thinking

There was a time where I spent many days in self-pity and expectation of others covering many aspects of my life. There was a constant inner dialog inside my head telling me things like:

• I’m not smart enough
• If only I were offered better opportunities in my life
• They have life so easy
• If Colleen would only do what I ask
• If my coworkers would only do their job
• I don’t get paid enough for what I do

These were a few common ones, but there were hundreds more. I was always focusing on factors outside of myself. When I started working on my character, my life began to change. Paul Hokemeyer said, “We gain self esteem by doing esteemable acts.” As I started changing the way I was acting, my thinking followed. I started focusing on doing the next right thing. In doing so, my view of myself and my life started to change. Today self-pity no longer serves my life purpose.

Most days, I can take life as it comes. When a challenge arises, I usually focus on the solution. There are times like this I fall back into self-pity and think what life should be, not what it is. When this happens, I get very uncomfortable. It is time to draw my attention inward and practice some introspection.

The Remedy

As the word self-pity indicates, the focus is on the self. I am experiencing self-pity because I am thinking or acting selfish and self-serving. To get out of this mode of thinking, I must utilize a new set of tools to get my mind moving toward gratitude. Depending on the situation, there are many tools I use, but here are the building blocks. 

Ask God For Guidance

Whenever I run into a problem I do not know how to handle; I ask God for guidance. This simple act of surrender levels my pride and opens me up for the solution to flow into my life. It is clear when my internal dialog centers around “I,”. Terms like; I don’t know what to do or I can’t figure this out are commonplace. Albert Einstein said, “We can not solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.“.” I can’t solve my problems, but God can, so I let Him.

Live In The Present

I will look at our basic life needs. Do we have clothes on our back and shoes on our feet? Have we eaten today? Do we have a safe place to live? Every time I ask these questions, the answers are in the affirmative. According to the World Bank, half of the world’s population does not have their basic needs met. This alone is reason to be grateful. At this point, I realize I do not have a problem in my life but simply a perception of it. With this in mind, I have learned that I cannot think my way to better acting, but I can act my way to better thinking. Helping others is a great way to get out of my head.

Service To Others

Service to others is a powerful tool to get my mind other-focused. Working with others and sometimes helping in the simplest of ways helps draw the attention off me. Often I will learn about a challenge they are going through that helps put my perceived problems into perspective.

Gratitude

Why should I be Grateful? This list is virtually endless. Starting with the basics; At this moment, I am breathing, which means I am alive. Today 178,000 fellow humans worldwide are not blessed with another day on this earth as I am. I have the eyes to see what I am typing right now, the physical capability, and the mental faculties to form thoughts. From here, the list grows by leaps and bounds. There is always a reason to be Grateful.

In Robert A Emmons book “Gratitude Works!: A 21-Day Program for Creating Emotional Prosperity”, he shares a story about a woman in Utah who has kept a Gratitude Journal for over 18 years logging 18,256 blessings (rarely using the same one twice). She has managed to log almost three new gifts every day for 18 years! 

We Are Blessed!

By the time I arrive at Gratitude, my mind starts to focus on what is right with our lives and not what’s wrong. I begin to realize that through these challenges, a whole new world has opened up to me. Since there are fewer substantial experiences Colleen and I can take part in today, I see the beauty in the small things like Colleen’s smile or watching the goofiness of our dogs. I’ve become an observer of life. When I can see this beauty, a whole new world emerges. It is very important to maintain an Attitude of Gratitude. 

At my core, I know we have been given these challenges not as a burden but rather as an opportunity to live extraordinary lives. Life is often not easy, but through the struggle, we can experience the beauty life offers. Hellen Keller said, “Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.”